I used to say that I'm not the “entrepreneurial type.” Except, apparently, I am, because I'm living it.
I also used to say that I like stability, and not taking scary leaps. Except I don't (I get bored and restless when things are too stable), and I totally do get a positive charge from leaps.
Learning to tell the Little Right Lies
Those “untruths” above are from my days as a job candidate, an interviewee, and an underling (either a secretary or a young associate attorney).
I learned to believe them about myself because I knew it was the “right” answer to offer to an employer or higher-ranking colleague (especially one that would get nervous at the prospect of having an entrepreneurially-minded individual on staff–which, in the steeply hierarchical world of large law firms and entrenched Powers That Be, is more the norm than the exception).
We're taught to tell the truth. But we're also taught that only socially-acceptable truths should be told.
We're taught that lying is bad… unless it makes us fit in better or meet certain expectations, and then it's passable.
And eventually, if we're being good kids (or students, or job candidates, or employees) we learn this skill of telling only the “right” truths and lying the “right” lies so well that we call it our Truth. We call it our Self.
But just because we say it's so doesn't make it true.
The Little Right Lies of My Own Business
When I left the world of Big Law Firms and corporate structures, I felt liberated. And true, to a large degree, I was. I was free to admit that I hated “cute work shoes” and thought that “corporate dress code” is more about showing off for one another than it is about how proficiently we worked. I was free to seek out people I wanted to work with, rather than being told I had to “put in my time” working for someone else. Hugely liberating!
But I wasn't totally liberated from the Little Right Lies… I just changed which ones I told on a regular basis.
For instance, I used to say that I didn't mind how often someone needed last-minute tasks done, or whether they needed to be “on call” for them at all times, including weekends. Those were Little Right Lies borne of the belief that if I drew boundaries, I'd lose clients and I'd wind up penniless and living in a box.
The truth is that drawing those boundaries has been tremendously powerful, and has helped me work with more of the right clients–the ones who really fit and vibe well with me and me with them. (And so far, no box-living has been necessary!)
I used to tell people that I was a Virtual Assistant with a catchy title. But that's not true either. I held on to that Little Right Lie because I believed that good entrepreneurs quickly find a niche, and find one that's easily identifiable/categorizable by others–so being a high-end VA was mine.
The truth is that I'm not a VA. Or, at least, I'm definitely not just a VA. That's perhaps only one component of what I do. I'm also an “Ideal Day Consultant.” And an architect of systems and structures that support a creative entrepreneur's business. And a wordsmith for difficult communications. And a collaboration analyst. I don't have a clue what my niche is, and I'm not particularly easily categorizable… and my whole business (and how I serve my clients) has improved drastically since I began acknowledging that.
And I still find myself falling back on the most insidious Little Right Lie of all: I can do it all myself. (I'm not just a fiercely independent entrepreneur, I'm also an introvert, and a highly-sensitive person… so I'm supposed to need to do it all myself, right?)
But as I continue to learn and be reminded, a community is vital and energizing and inspiring. I don't want to do it all by myself, let alone need to.
Living beyond the Little Right Lies
Being an entrepreneur simultaneously frees me to let go of the Little Right Lies, and challenges me to stop using them as a built-in safety net.
Sometimes it's easier–almost reflexive–to fall back on the Little Right Lies I've told so many times. And sometimes I still do.
But one of the greatest gifts of this entrepreneurial adventure I'm on is being free to explore life beyond the Little Right Lies. To see what happens if I drop my own facade. To meet people who really dig who I am without demanding I fit into the Little Right Lie mold.
And the times when I shed the protection and the patterns of those Little Right Lies and state my truth with confidence (maybe even with moxie, depending on the day) my soul does a little happy dance. I can feel it in my bones when I'm living in alignment with what's real, rather than perpetuating the Little Right Lies.
All of which is not to suggest that it's always easy to live beyond the Little Right Lies… but the adventure that unfolds when I'm courageous enough to do so has, thus far, consistently proven to be worth every ounce of difficulty or uncertainty I've encountered.
Viva la truth, baby.
What's in your little black book of little right lies?
Do you catch yourself telling a few Little Right Lies here and there? Who do you tell them for? Or what feels scary about living beyond them? What's happened for you when you've let yourself live beyond them?
Oh, wow… I have told myself so many of those Little Right Lies.
Like:
– I can do this all by myself
– It’s wrong to need help
– Work-me and personal-me have to be kept separate
– I have to take weekends off
And instead of believing those, more recently I’ve been realizing that they ARE lies. So I reach out for my community to lift me up, and I get help when I need it (although not as often as I should, I’m still learning how); I’ve been integrating the different parts of ME so that I’m all the same me; and I try to listen to what my family, my creativity, and my natural way of doing is telling me about when I should work, and how much.
P.S. I absolutely love how you make words dance and become a better descriptor because of how you put them together. Well done, from one linguistic geek to another. 😉
And let’s not forget that ever-pervasive Little Right Lie: “I’m probably doing this wrong.” Which then makes us that much less likely to turn to our (vibrant & rockin’) community for help, because we’re embarrassed about possibly doing everything all wrong.
Or is that just me? lol
Also, we really must start the Linguistic Geek Society, if for no other reason than I’m kind of enamored with the term “linguistic geek.” Thank you! 🙂
OMG, you’re right, that’s another one that hides itself really well. Evil little (big) lie!
Who’s first to register liguisticgeeksociety.com? 😉 Race you to it!
.-= Rachael´s last blog ..How Making A Plan Frees You From Needing The Plan =-.
Booyah!
(Is it ok for me to shout, erm, say that?)
This post is like music.
Sweet, powerful, knock-the-walls-down music.
Shedding those Little Right Lies – which is the most right on name I’ve ever heard for these cords of much ick – feels like cutting off two ton shackles.
Awesome. Scary. But crazy liberating.
Two words: Go you!
.-= Fabeku´s last blog ..Eff Cramming (a.k.a. In Defense of Playtime) =-.
A heart-felt “booyah” is always welcome here. Always!
I’ve noticed before in life but am noticing again that whatever turns out to be “crazy liberating” usually feels “scary” first. Why hello there, pattern. Nice to meet you. Now if I can just remember that when the scary rears its head… and remember that a good “booyah” is likely just around the corner!
This is so great. It makes me think of how complicated the whole “be authentic” thing is… because most of us are trying, it just takes awhile to peel back the layers of exactly what that means.
A big one for me: I’m not sure what to do, I can’t decide, I need more information. When usually I’m just scared to do the thing that needs to be done.
Thanks for expressing this so clearly!
.-= Briana´s last blog ..Do something. No, not that. Something else. =-.
Oh heck yes–the “I don’t know what to do” Little Right Lie. I’m oh-so-familiar with that one! And it almost always covers up the truth of, “I do know what to do, but I’m afraid that others might judge me” or “I know what to do, but it’s conflicting with some other Little Right Lie I’m presently telling myself & facing that down is scary.”
Funny how many different masks fear can wear, isn’t it? Fear. That clever (and far-too-pervasive) little bugger!
My Little Right Lies? The two I can think of right now…
— Self-employment is liberating. (In reality, I’m the most demanding boss I’ve ever had.)
— Of course I ask for help. (Only when I’m desperate and convinced that the “ask” is reasonable and welcome.)
Thanks for this perspective, Marissa. You are SO much more than a VA.
🙂 Jen
.-= Jennifer Hofmann´s last blog ..Who wins and loses in Mastodon vs. Your Inbox? =-.
I tend to wrap my urge to ask for help in a bundle of Little Right Lies: “If I ask for help I’ll be bothering someone. I’ll be showing that I’m stupid. I’ll be intruding.” Which makes getting to the point of believing my ask is welcome or reasonable that much tougher! So you’re not alone there… I relate to that pattern too.
Wow. This is powerful stuff. Right on the money for me at this moment. I feel like these past few years have been a process of disintegrating one little Right Lie after another. And they could stretch out as far as I can see :).
But biz-wise, I think one is that I have to be perfectly healthy in order to be in a position to help others. And the other is that I’m allergic to structure and systems. Yeah, right.
xo
.-= Gina´s last blog ..Carnival of Healing #223 – Grace in Gravity =-.
Me too, Gina. One after another. And some over and over again!
Feeling allergic to structure & systems is one that I actually relate really well to. I’m great at helping others figure out structure & systems that fit (and don’t case hives or itching!), but it’s harder for me to give that same support to myself. So when someone says they’re systems- or structure- averse, I relate.
Which reminds me of another Little Right Lie: “I have to be good at doing for myself whatever service I provide to my clients.” So! Not! True! (But I still tell it to myself with an alarming frequency.)
This post was really helpful to me today!
I got an email from a never-before-seen client who ‘really needs me to talk with her dog right now’, and of course, she ‘understands that she’ll have to pay emergency rates’.
I don’t have emergency rates. I don’t talk about emergency rates. I thought about charging her an emergency rate, and then I realized that either I have the time or I don’t. And today, I don’t.
The lie I’ve told myself is that I always will be accessible to help others.
Actually, I can’t, and I won’t. And the lie is wrapped up in the ego pocket of “Only I can do it.” Which isn’t true.
Thanks for helping me unravel this one!
.-= Bridget´s last blog ..Brilliant Energetic Technique from Becca =-.
WOW BRIDGET, that was a fantastic epiphany.
I’m in the service industry too, and I’ve taken rush jobs (and been paid higher rates for it) – but they always stress me out, ALWAYS, because I told myself the lie that I had time.
More money does not magically make more time.
.-= Rachael´s last blog ..How Making A Plan Frees You From Needing The Plan =-.
You’ve definitely found a kindred spirit when it comes to struggling with accessibility/availability. I empathize!!
Congratulations to you for first acknowledging your own boundaries (a feat by itself!) and for sticking to them. That’s really tough to do, especially when money gets wrapped up in it. Cheers to you for unraveling a difficult conundrum! I’m delighted that the post helped… but the cheers still go 100% to you. 🙂
Hah! Spot on! And the tough thing about being a solopreneur is that its so much easier to tell myself lies and other nonsense, because there’s nobody there to call me on it and say, “huh? Are you serious?”
That’s why its so important for us creative solopreneurs to stay connected. Well, it’s just one of the many good reasons – there are loads more!
Thanks for helping me with some of my BS at the Liftoff workshop (oh, you’re clearly more than a VA!) and here’s full permission to call me on any other BS stories you catch me spinning for myself.
.-= Cath´s last blog ..The Good Things In Life Can’t Be Rushed… (or Making Art Instead of Setting Goals) =-.
I’ve recently been slogging through all the lies ingrained in my mind from growing up with a highly dysfunctional family, trying to see them for what they are and then erase them. This post really resonated with me, especially as the oldest child, the hero, the chief enabler, and a highly sensitive person: *And I still find myself falling back on the most insidious Little Right Lie of all: I can do it all myself. (I’m not just a fiercely independent entrepreneur, I’m also an introvert, and a highly-sensitive person… so I’m supposed to need to do it all myself, right?)* This is so true of me, and it’s so encouraging to read your thoughts and apply them to how I can move beyond all these lies. Brava!
Deftly stated. Thx for share and mirror. I’d count you as a fellow possibilitarian, I dare say.
Ohmigosh yes… so many little right lies over here!
The one where I might be doing it wrong, and not putting it out there to my community. Hmm let me see other ones here:
-I can do it all today, by myself, thank you very much (yeah right!)
-I have to reply to all my emails and take care of my people within minutes
I’m sure there are others but those are the ones that came up first. Thanks for helping me clarify these things for myself so that I don’t fall into the same traps over and over again. 🙂
.-= Nathalie Lussier´s last blog ..11 Snacks to Silence Your Stomach =-.
So happy to get your content! It seemed that right after I found you, you became “monumentally busy” (to quote a hot 80’s movie), and your juicy blog sat all lonely…
Hmm…I just wrote an essay about how lying ended me up in a broom closet in England, but that’s not really what you mean. My biggest Little Right Lie at the moment is, “I can handle the uncertainty.” At the moment, I’m not handling that well at all. But it is perhaps a necessary Little Right Lie to tell myself, because whether or not I can handle it well, I need to learn how.
So maybe it’s less “Little Right Lie” and more “Unfounded in Reality Pep Talk.”
.-= Lori´s last blog ..And then… =-.
wow, I just happened across your sight via twitter a couple of days ago and each word resonates with me.
Lies I tell myself:
1) Staying late and not being able to see my baby girls before they go to bed, is “ok” because I’m going to get promoted and they’ll understand that when I can afford their college tuition.
2) I can’t start my own business because I don’t have anything of offer.
3) I’m not outgoing enough to be successful
I have many more, but this post and the “Busy People” post have really made me think about making some new plans.
THANKS MARISSA
Ooo I am with ya Bobby on #3.
Take that – Little Right Lie! I may not be very outgoing but I can pop in Marissa’s comments to tell her I loved this post.
Marissa – I love this post!
@Cath: That’s true–being a solopreneur makes it awfully easy to get wrapped up in–and start believing–our own nonsense. I agree: all the more reason a community is oh-so-important! (I’ll make sure my BS-o-meter is active & at the ready… you do the same for me, okay?) 🙂
@Rebecca: I’m an oldest child too! I think there’s probably something to that… I’ve heard that oldests/firstborns have a tendency to take on the “I must do it all myself!” personality. I’m glad the post connected with you & was helpful & that you’re working on moving beyond the Little Right Lies yourself. Brava to you as well!
@Annie: Possibilitarians! I love it. I’m honored to be counted as such. 🙂
@Nathalie: Happy to help clarify… it certainly helps me clarify things for myself to write ’em out and then have the rich conversation of these comments. Hugely and wonderfully illuminating for me. Three cheers for sidestepping our same ol’ traps!
@Lori: I think telling ourselves that we’re not bothered by uncertainty or change is a Little Right Lie that lots of us can relate to. I know I can handle it, but I tell the LRL that “I am not bothered by it” or returning to the classic “I don’t need any support as I deal with this uncertainty.” And that stops me from seeking help or support when I most need it. Another LRL that comes up for me when I feel uncertain is, “If I don’t figure this out RIGHT NOW, I’ll never handle it.” Not true… uncertainty isn’t always comfortable, but it’s also not a death knell just because it lingers for a while. Not sure if that’s the same experience you have, but it’s one I know very familiarly! Hang in there!!
@Bobby: Oh, #3… that’s an old favorite of mine. I haven’t been telling myself that one quite as much lately, but it’s a recurring one. The fortunate part is that there are a slew of successful introverts out there (who also know this particular LRL very well) that I can look to as examples of why that’s not true. Not that it makes the lie go away entirely… but it helps! You are definitely not alone with that. Glad you’re here!
@Megan: “Take that, Little Right Lie!” LOVE it! I am envisioning you doing like a kung fu move on a LRL and then standing victoriously over it while you say that. And thanks for the kind words!
Ideal Day Consultant! Ideal Day Consultant! Excuse me for a moment while I jump up and down in celebration over the best job description I’ve ever heard. OMG. The magic in that phrase. That’s exactly what you promised me in that fabulous question you asked and I’m holding onto it like the beacon on the hill. Great post!!
.-= Julie Stuart´s last blog ..This week’s whimsy: Save the words edition. =-.
I just realized I never responded to your comment when you left it–um, whoops much? Oy. Sorry!
Thank you so much for the jumping up & down celebration–I absolutely appreciate it!
marissa:
you never cease to amaze me with your articulate way of expressing things.
i am caught in all my little white lies and have so many of them that i can’t share them at the moment. they are me. i am the little white lie with my friends, family and in my business.
the true-est thing i can say is i need help even hearing what my little white lies are as they are so enmeshed in my personality that they are false evidence appearing real. (i.e.fear)
thanks – didn’t know that one til i read your article. the little white lie of this moment is that that realization is not making me sad – and i caan own that one.
i feel sad when i think of all my little white lies and how amorphous they feel right in this moment.
Char, you are so kind–thank you for the compliment!
Re: Needing help hearing the little right lies: ohhhhh yes. Me too. You’re definitely no alone there. The more I practice letting myself live beyond them, the more I’m able to see them myself, but I still absolutely need a compassionately honest community around me to help me see all of them & support me in figuring out how to shed them. I think that’s probably true for all of us. Even though the actual process of moving beyond the Little Right Lies is entirely unique and individual, I think one’s community is a really vital part of the process.
Glad you’re in my community, Char. 🙂
and now i just realized i wrote little white lies instead of little right lies which shows me how enmeshed those lies truly are.
and i’m not surprised by that freudian slip at all.
.-= char´s last blog ..Ask Char: Dealing with Depression =-.
Woah. Wake up call in the best way. Thank you Marissa.
(I found my way here from the great Dave Navarro.)
It’s only Monday but I’ve already told myself this “little right lie”:
-That in order to transition from where I have been (single mom spokesperson, photographer) to where I want to go (inspirerer of Romance + Adventure) I have to PLEASE everybody or else I won’t meet success. This is of course a silly thought, and sharing it out loud helps me dispell it for what it is.
p.s. I also believed in the past that if I drew boundaries, “I’d lose clients and I’d wind up penniless and living in a box.” But then something changed. I realized how liberating and empowering it was to pass on the work that didn’t “feel right.” No longer was a squelching creativity for a dollar….I think that decision has saved me from burning out running my own business as a photographer.
Spectacular! I’m thinking t-shirts & bumper stickers that proclaim “No creativity squelched in the name of money.” Because that’s a sentiment I can get behind.
Also, I will “Me Too” your Little Right Lie about needing to please everyone. That LRL and I are far too familiar with one another. I have to dispell it for myself on a regular basis.
So glad you stopped by & so glad you joined the conversation! Thank you!
Brilliant! Brilliant!
I have to call you out on something – I was looking through your site the other day and was surprised to see your “I’m not a project manager” section. To me that sounds just like “And an architect of systems and structures that support a creative entrepreneur’s business. … And a collaboration analyst.”
Do you think the project manager thing is a little right lie? Or maybe you and I have different interpretations of what project manager means?
.-= Laura Roeder´s last blog ..Before, During and After: How to Know What to Focus on When Running an Online Business =-.
I suspect that the project manager thing is a little bit of both, actually… I added it to my “Not my speciality rundown” section after having several instances where someone was looking for a “Project Manager” and what they were seeking was very… corporate, for lack of a better word, and didn’t align well with what I did. But “Project Manager” is how they defined it. And after a few of those, I decided, “Well, I guess I must not be a ‘Project Manager,'” and added that to that section.
But perhaps the Little Right Lie in that would be me telling myself that I’m not a Project Manager, when the truth is maybe more that I’m not what those folks saw as being a Project Manager.
Hmmm… I’m percolating on this one. I’m glad you called me out! I think you illuminated a possible perspective I wasn’t seeing. Which is awesome.
Thank you!
“I have to be good at doing for myself whatever service I provide to my clients.”
Say the what.?!@%
Say it ain’t so. Tell me clients
don’twon’t care if I can do for me, what I can do for them?Just putting that in print makes me nervous, giddy and turns some things around.
Amazing.
When I started admitting out loud that I don’t always do for myself that which I do fabulously well for my clients, what I discovered–to my delight and surprise–was that almost everyone I encountered said the same thing. (And usually said it with some sigh of relief that they weren’t the only ones!)
I think that doing for others what we’re not great at doing for ourselves is really, really common. So if you relate to that, you’re in great company!
Hmm seems some coding went awry up there…
The quote “I have to be good at doing for myself whatever service I provide to my clients.â€
Which is then followed by the stuff that shouldn’t be bold in 14 point font and the color red.
Still amazing though…
No problem–I fixed it so that the funky coding went away!
You must have been spying on me to have uncovered so many of my own little Right Lies, one of the most insidious of which is that I can’t start something unless I know/understand/have mastered it first. Yikes. Now instead of just saying I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, I’ll just proudly say, “I don’t know everything yet, but I’m headed in the right direction and enjoying the journey!” Thank you for helping us realize this is Truth, not just an excuse.
Haha! No spying involved, Elizabeth!
Though–wow, yes–I completely relate to that Little Right Lie: “I can’t do that until I’ve read the book, taught the class & had someone else tell me I’m an expert in it.” Oh yeah.
You’ve definitely got the right attitude: embrace the not-knowing. After all, that’s the spirit that leaves your path open to all kinds of discoveries and intriguing side journeys that we’d miss if we were always charging forward with utmost certainty.
Here’s to meeting up on a side road sometime soon! 🙂
Love this! Yes, the “little right lies” are often what hold me back. Trying to be the good girl, & do the right thing, isn’t always the right thing. Listening to intuition often contradicts my “good girl rule book”
When I live this, I seem to attract the best clients. When I don’t, I seem to get on my nerves, get boxed into a role & feel mediocre.
as the t-shirt says: “Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History”
It’s funny, isn’t it, that we often return to a Little Right Lie even after we realize it makes us feel constricted and mediocre… I’ve definitely done that. (I’m sure I will do that again in the future too!) That damn Good Girl Rule Book certainly makes the rounds. I’m up for a GGRB bonfire… how ’bout you? Let’s dump those rules and make some history, shall we?
If only more than 99 people would read about this..