Suppose Snow White’s produce-induced slumber lasted long enough to bring her from little-cottage-in-the-forest to profile-in-the-social-media-expanse. Accustomed as she is to identifying her companions by their most easily-recognizable traits, what floppy-hatted friends she might encounter in today’s online landscape?

1. Bizzy

Bizzy’s Tweets are usually about how much he has going on, and how he’s terribly overwhelmed by it all. He rarely talks about the fruits of his busy-ness, though, largely because the only thing all of his blustering about being busy seems to produce is… more blustering about being busy.
Known for: Having the most jam-packed days and anxiety-ridden sleepless nights, but never actually getting much accomplished.
Strength: Always on the move.
Weakness: Never getting anywhere.

2. Dizzy

Dizzy knows only enough about social media to be completely bamboozled. Apt to purchase every “How To” seminar, e-book and teleclass on the market. Dizzy doesn’t necessarily lack in smarts, but in focus and willingness to stick to one thing long enough to get a solid footing. He becomes the Tazmanian Devil of social media: spinning around in so many directions at the same time that he essentially creates nothing more than havoc.
Known for: Being a goldmine for how-to authors.
Strength: Rampant eagerness to “get it.”
Weakness: Appetite for “getting it” totally overwhelms actual ability to figure anything out.

3. Snarky

Snarky can find the humor–or at least the razor’s edge between wit and bad taste–in any situation. Views social media as a stage, and the world, his stand-up routine’s audience. Likely died a little inside when Favrd went away.
Known for: Having “LOL” and “Too soon!” show up largely in his Tweetcloud.
Strength: Easily ReTweetable; says what the rest of us chuckle at but wouldn’t actually say in our own status updates.
Weakness: Great garnish to other content, but difficult to be a main course of snark alone.

4. Cloney

When in doubt, be someone else. Cloney finds the best parts of everyone else’s identity, and parrots them. When writing his social media profiles, his main source of information is someone else’s profile. His about page sounds eerily like… your about page. What you Tweet about, so too does Cloney Tweet about, often without changing the wording much.
Known for: Mining your friends/followers list.
Strength: Highly advanced mimicry.
Weakness: No perceptible personality of his own.

5. Needy

The air of desperation is Needy’s oxygen tank. He longs to be in the Inner Circle, and is perpetually convinced that he isn’t (and that everyone else is). He will buy your product, RT your musings, become your Facebook Fan and join your membership site, all in an unbridled quest for acceptance. Prolific in forum posts and long email missives, Needy is fundamentally unable to function without someone else telling him how to do so and reassuring him that he’s liked.
Known for: Filling up your email inbox (or Tweetstream, or Facebook wall) with pleas for attention. “Meaning well.”
Strength: Persistent. Very, very persistent.
Weakness: Tendency to drive his targets of attention completely batshit crazy.

6. Boastful

Whatever you can do, Boastful can do better–and has. Boastful is great at letting the social media world know about his accomplishments. Of course, being the Most Awesome At Everything leaves little time to be concerned about anyone else; fortunately, Boastful is the Very Best at completely disregarding everyone around him. And isn’t afraid to say so. Considers it a personal interaction when he ReTweets someone’s compliment of him.
Known for: Proudly declaring that he does not follow anyone on Twitter, does not respond to anyone’s email, and cannot be bothered with your interview requests, all because he’s just too busy Being Awesome.
Strength: Letting others know about his strengths.
Weakness: Stark lack of meaningful interaction with others, including those hungrily following Boastful’s advice on How To Be As Awesome As Me.

7. Sunny

From The Secret to the Have A Nice Day bumper sticker, Sunny’s world is nothing if not optimistic. Having never encountered a silver lining he didn’t love profusely, Sunny is the first to tell you how great life is–all. the. time.
Known for: Chirping merrily about… everything. Constantly.
Strength: Always sees the bright side.
Weakness: Obliviously unaware that there is a downside or weakness to anything, and sure to chirp merrily at you, should you choose to acknowledge or react to one.

Do you know these dwarves?

Which of these dwarves have you encountered in your social (media) circle? Which ones did I miss?