Tales of Bidet To Start Your Day

A frequent stop during my frequent websurfing is none other than Dan Renzi’s web blog. He recently visited several places overseas, and he posted the following queries, frustration and wonderment about the oddity that is the bidet. I laughed heartily, and thought it was the perfect antidote to a gloomy morning. Without further ado, here is Dan’s Ode To The Bidet:

After traveling these past three weeks over three continents, I encountered many cultural differences which often caused me to pause. But social customs, table manners, social status of women versus men–these issues may take effort to accept, but they are not to be questioned simply because one is an American. We must embrace all the differences that allow us all to live lives unique, and allow others to find the paths that are right for them.

Except there is one cultural phenomenon I simply cannot grasp:

The bidet.

For those of you unfamiliar with the bidet, it is the entity on the right of the photo, next to the toilet which appears on the left. I have a camera full of pictures of bidets, simply because they fascinate me. It’s not a toilet, it’s not a sink; it’s a place to squat down and stick your nether-regions out into the open and achieve contact with water, for the purpose of making yourself clean. A nice idea? I guess so. Pratical to implement? Not at all whatsoever. I tried.

Click on the picture to enlarge the image, and take a closer look at this bidet. Most of them, as is the case with this one, feature a spigot from which a gentle stream of water flows. However, when positioning yourself over the bidet, you have to squat down straddling the thing–thereby placing anything that needs to be washed towards the center of the bidet bowl. The stream of water is not strong enough to shoot all the way over and hit your targets, especially with the rest of your body in the way. And if you try to turn around for a more comfortable angle, facing the spigot, when you squat you bang your knees against the wall. A fountain from the center of the bowl would prove practical in this position; but as with this bidet (and most others), that’s not what you get. And I must ask, why not? I don’t get it.

So are you supposed to use your hands, and flick the water where it needs to go? I don’t see how. When you do, you get water everywhere and drip it on your clothes. And no one wants bidet water on their pants. Nor are there EVER towels or toilet paper or anything within reach (notice, in this picture, the lack of drying implements!), so you have to shuffle over to the sink with your pants around your ankles. And then you trip and kill yourself. All because you wanted to see how the bidet works.

Always forward-thinking, the Asian solution appears to solve all these implementation problems:

Thank God I had my camera in my pocket, because as soon as I entered the bathroom I freaked out with excitement and took this picture. Simpler and space-saving, there isn’t a separate unit for the bidet-ing; this model is merely a user-friendly hose attached to the toilet itself. The nozzle has a little lever on it, which you press to get a stream of water. Seems easy, right? Of course, I just had to try it, only because it was there begging to be tried.

Sadly, when I pressed the lever, a jet of water screamed forth from the hose with such force, the nozzle flew out of my hand. Instead of a gentle cleansing, I just shot myself in the head. I would have taken a picture of my face and hair dripping wet, but I was just too upset. This, of course, commenced at a formal dinner where I couldn’t really explain that I was wet because I am flummoxed by the presence of bidets yet have no idea how to use them.

I loved the cultural exchange of being abroad. I loved the food. I loved an excuse to brush my teeth with Evian lest I accidentally ingest the local water. THAT made me feel fancy. But the bidet, I can do without. I see no point. And I refuse to believe anyone actually uses them, anyway. I think they are just there to fool the foreigners.