New Year & Nostalgia

Three years ago, amidst a family room chock full of my family and family friends, my grandfather lifted a glass of champagne and toasted to the idea that “This is the year when you start becoming a lawyer!” It was the dawn of 2003, and indeed, I began law school that August.

Now, three years later, I realize that this is the year when I really will become a lawyer. And I feel very sad. But that isn’t a cause and effect relationship.

I had a good time this evening, but I miss the atmosphere of three years ago, when all the family was here, donning goofy hats that were as old as my brothers (and older), and all shouting, “Happy New Year!” to each other when the ball dropped in Times Square.

This year, my brother Alex was at his home with his girlfriend, because they each have to work tomorrow. My grandparents stayed at their own house as well, as staying up til midnight doesn’t quite hold the appeal it once did for them. My cousin left before midnight, as he’s at that age where the appeal of loud music and alcohol sort of outweighs the coolness of spending the evening with family. My uncles spent the evening with friends. My aunt left early, as she too didn’t find waiting until midnight to be an appealing option.

I just wish, in that way everyone probably does at some point about something, that I somehow could have known what New Years would be my last one celebrated with the whole family. Before Toodo went into a nursing home. Before jobs and parties and age prevented us from ringing in the new year together. I wish somehow, some cosmic force could have said, “Hey! Remember every minute of this, because it’s never happening again.”

But of course, that’s not how these things work. And that is why I feel sad. Not because this past year has been bad (it hasn’t!) or because this next year isn’t going to be amazing (it is!), but because I miss those New Years past. I miss having all my family around me at midnight, and having all those hugs and toasts. I think back to that year when we toasted the fact that I was heading to law school… and I wish so much that everyone could have been with me tonight as I looked ahead to the year when that journey would reach its conclusion.

I wish I would have paid closer attention to everyone’s words and hugs the last New Years we were all together. But I just didn’t know that was it, you know? I have thought many times back on what was the last time I picked up my brothers from their naptimes when they were very little, and again, same thought: God, I wish I had known that was the last time. I would have, I don’t know, taken a mental photograph of it, appreciated it, tried to experience it differently somehow.

But I guess that’s what nostalgia is; trying to recapture those memories that you didn’t even realize would be as important as what they are now. On the one hand, I guess that’s why some people go through life with the idea that, “This could be all there is…” But on the other hand, I don’t like the idea of looking at every single situation as, “Oh gosh, this could be the last time this happens,” because frankly, that’s depressing.

I’m so glad I had all those holidays and New Years with everyone. I treasure them more than I can express. And what photographs I have of those times (mental and real) are precious. Things change. Time goes. You step forward. That’s it.

But every now and then, I can’t help but look back. Even though it brings tears to my eyes and nostalgia comes sweeping over me, it’s good to remember. I’m glad I have family and memories so near and dear to me that I do get teary remembering them. And hopefully, someday I will have a family of my own who will feel the same way about the memories I helped create for them.

This year is going to be amazing. I’m graduating from law school. I’m going to start house-hunting, and hopefully, purchase my first home. I’m going to work with a strong, reputable, exceptionally intelligent group of attorneys at a wonderful firm just outside my hometown. My life is going to change so much, so quickly, in the coming year… it’s going to be such a phenomenal ride. And the icing on the cake is that my family is so close to me that I will be able to experience it all with them by my side.

Grandpa, you started the toast three years ago, and I finished it with you in spirit this evening:

Happy 2006.

Labels: all about me, family