27% of hiring managers are skeptical of those super, really, extra true and valid reasons you give for showing up to work late. And they ought to be–because 24% of you are making up crap instead of telling the real reason behind your running-behindedness. (I hope you’re appropriately ashamed.)

I got this little trivia tidbit from CNN’s article about employees who run late to work. The author offers ten excuses, purportedly actually used by employees somewhere, that are definite gems.

• Take, for instance, this common occurrence: “While rowing across the river to work, I got lost in the fog.” If I had a nickel…
• Or one that I consider completely valid: “The line was too long at Starbucks.” A boss who doesn’t understand the necessity of Starbucks is not a boss for whom I want to work, I’ll tell you that much.
• And who doesn’t have this happen at least once a week? “I didn’t have money for gas because all of the pawn shops were closed.” Indeed, friend.

Here are some other Late To Work excuses I highly recommend using, while simultaneously throwing off all responsibility for the consequences of so doing:

1. I had to set the Tivo for tonight’s episode of The Office. That Michael Scott… well, he has the same coffee mug you do, did you know that?
2. My dog threw up on my shoes. Twice.
3. I had to watch last night’s episode of Dancing with the Stars, so I’d be able to keep up with everyone else’s IMs about Cloris’s cleavage.
4. I decided to meditate before work, and I wound up falling asleep. But I’m pretty sure I’m totally centered now.
5. I had chili last night. Trust me, you didn’t want me in here for the past hour.
6. My GPS wasn’t working, and I had to figure out how to get to work using a paper map. And then I couldn’t get it folded again.
7. I would’ve been in here, like, 20 minutes ago, but I was looking up excuses for being late on my Blackberry in the parking garage.
8. I hate this job, and I’d rather be anywhere in the world but here, so getting myself to just show up was challenge enough… being on time is out of the question.
9. Bodies take a long time to bury when the ground is frozen. [Most effective when followed by an uncomfortable chuckle and then quickly scurrying to the restroom to wash off dirt-covered hands.]

What are some of the best “Oops, I’m late” excuses you’ve heard used? And were they effective? And what about you–are you one of the miserable 24% of chaps making up stories about their tardiness? (As if only 24% of you are doing that.)

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Happy Father's Day!
And lest mi madre be left out, let us celebrate Mothers Day once again too…

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As if you need a reason to celebrate the joy that is fried-and-frosted dough, tomorrow is National Doughnut Day!
In honor of this occasion, Krispy Kreme will give each customer one free doughnut of his or her choice. Better start lining up now…
And lest you think that Krispy Kreme (or I) just made up this national event, allow me to bestow upon you some Donut trivia:

• Holiday Insights explains that it is a day which honors the Salvation Army "Lassies" of World War I, and is used as a fundraiser for Salvation Army.
• LaMar's Donuts & Coffee notes that Americans consume 10 billion donuts every year, and that donuts have a hole in the center to allow more even cooking (as well as offering several other trivia tidbits on their National Donut Day page).
• Snopes confirmed in 2005 that Krispy Kreme's free donut celebration of the national holiday was true.
• You can send a friend a National Donut Day e-card.
• Even the airlines are getting in on the celebration to "spread donut cheer."
• Recipezaar has a little feature on Donut Day.

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Watch this video. It doesn’t matter whether you like yogurt or whether you’re a woman–as long as you’ve seen any commercials in the past five years, you will get the video completely. And it’s funny.

Thanks to The F-Word for bringing this video to my much-amused attention.

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When you see real talent like this, you can’t help but be simultaneously impressed and envious.

Check out these moves, and see if you don’t learn a thing or two.

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When preparing to videotape yourself using your some-assembly-required at-home stripper pole… probably best to make sure it’s secure first.

Watch and be amused. (Don’t worry, there’s nothing naughty in it but a butt.)

Best part? The little concerned dog at the end.

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My favorite of the Worst is Devastatin’ Dave, The Turntable Slave. I bet this is the kind of humor kids of 35 years from now will get over looking at the American Idol offerings. Except for Carrie Underwood and Daughtry. Because they will still be awesome.

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I think the physical presence of scratchable vinyl or unspoolable tapes, or the extremely kitten-vulnerable compact disc, is what gave us — particularly Metallica — the idea that sounds are something you can hold in your hand. I think that’s why kids don’t get intellectual property fighting, because songs don’t exist in three dimensions again, which means the argument takes place across a line that’s impossible to explain, and results in the parties talking about two different things entirely. As ever, I side with the kids.

–Jacob, in Television Without Pity’s American Idol 6: Top 4 Performances Recap

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